Key Points
Shame is a socially constructed emotion; feeling something is wrong with you, not just what you did.
Minority identities face unique shame dynamics due to societal expectations and norms.
Internal shame often stems from protective parts upholding societal burdens.
Queering shame involves challenging cultural burdens and embracing marginalised identities.
Self-advocacy and anger can counter internalised shame.
Summary
Understanding Shame
The podcast explores shame, differentiating it from guilt. Shame is the belief that something is inherently wrong with oneself, leading to hiding and social withdrawal. It differs from guilt, which focuses on actions rather than identity. The hosts discuss Brene Brown’s work and Martha Sweezy’s book on shame. Alessio expresses some dissatisfaction with existing frameworks and introduces the concept of “queering shame.”
Queering Shame: A Minority Perspective
Alessio and Jude highlight the unique challenges faced by minorities experiencing shame. Societal norms and expectations influence how shame manifests. For example, a cisgender man cross-dressing is viewed differently than a transgender person doing the same; one is seen as fun, while the other might be interpreted as shameful. This underscores how societal constructs shape individual experiences of shame.
Internal Systems and Shame
The discussion shifts to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. Shame is understood as an interaction between the “shamer” (a critical part) and the “shamed” (the part experiencing shame). The hosts challenge the traditional IFS perspective, suggesting the “shamer” might be acting out of burden rather than solely as a protective strategy. The shamer, as a protector, perpetuates shame not out of choice, but as a means of conforming to societal expectations.
Challenging Cultural Burdens
A key takeaway is the necessity of challenging societal burdens that create shame. Merely addressing internal dynamics is insufficient. The podcast emphasises the need to question the cultural messages that dictate what is considered shameful. This is illustrated through examples of societal backlash against those who embrace marginalised identities, particularly concerning neurodiversity and queer identities. The podcast proposes that self-righteous anger, a challenge to the shame inducing cultural burdens is necessary for healing and self-acceptance.
Personal Experiences and Healing
Alessio shares personal anecdotes to illustrate the shift from shame to anger and self-advocacy. The example of football highlights how societal expectations created shame, but by challenging those expectations, shame transforms into justifiable anger. This transition empowers self-acceptance, rejecting the need to conform to harmful societal norms.
Conclusion
The podcast concludes by naming the importance of examining the cultural roots of shame and challenging those burdens. Self-acceptance requires not only internal work but also the acknowledgment and rejection of harmful external pressures. The hosts encourage listeners to engage with their own experiences of shame and explore ways to challenge the societal constructs that contribute to it.
