Navigating Pronouns with Internal Family Systems
The conversation around gender pronouns is rich and multifaceted. It touches on personal identity, social conventions, and the delicate dance of interpersonal connection. For many, the basic act of sharing or using pronouns can be a source of confusion, anxiety, or even pain. For others, it’s a declaration of self, a vital part of their being.
This episode of Queering IFS delves into the elaborate world of pronouns, exploring the complications, the challenges, and the deep importance of approaching this topic with compassion, especially through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS).
Alessio commences by introducing the podcast’s intention: to explore gender, sexuality, and neurodiversity through queer and queering perspectives. Jude and Phil join Alessio to unpack the multifarious nature of pronouns. The discussion points out that understanding pronouns is not only about external labels but also about internal landscapes, parts, and the ‘Self’ that interfaces with the world.
Grasping the Core of Pronouns: Identity and Connection
Pronouns are more than just grammatical tools; they are closely linked to our feelings of identity and how we are perceived by others. For individuals, especially those whose gender identity differs from societal expectations, the correct use of pronouns is essential for validation and respect. It signals that one’s identity is seen and acknowledged.
Phil notes that pronouns are essentially labels assigned by others. This perspective accentuates the external influence on our identity. From birth, we are assigned a gender, and with it, certain expectations and pronoun usage. When these assignments align with our internal sense of self, they can seem seamless. However, for many, this initial assignment does not correspond, leading to a journey of personal discovery and the need to reclaim or reassess how they are referred to.
This reclamation can be a strong act of self-affirmation. It’s concerning aligning external language with internal truth. The process does not involve only personal exploration but also educating those around us. The intention is not to impose but to invite comprehension and acceptance, building an environment where everyone feels recognized and respected for who they are.
Internal Landscapes and External Expressions
Internal Family Systems delivers a unique system for understanding the issues surrounding pronouns. IFS claims that our psyche is comprised of various ‘parts’ – subpersonalities that hold different beliefs, emotions, and experiences. Our Self is seen as the compassionate, wise, and calm centre of our being. This model is extremely useful for exploring the internal dynamics of pronoun usage.
Jude articulates this beautifully, explaining that different parts of us may have varying feelings and interpretations regarding pronouns. This internal multiplicity means that the decision to share pronouns, or how they are perceived, can be affected by a multitude of internal states. A part that has internalised external judgment might feel anxious about disclosing pronouns, while another part might feel a strong sense of affirmation when they are used correctly.
Phil expands further on this, introducing the concept of a ‘middle layer’ between the internal system and the outside world. This layer encompasses how our Self acts as an interface, deciding which pronouns to use or share. This decision-making process is affected by the internal environment of our parts, as well as the external context, including the wider societal system and its norms. The choice to share pronouns, particularly non-binary ones, becomes an intentional act of self-definition in the face of possible misinterpretation.
Managing Internal Conflicts
Participation in Pronoun Disclosure: Some people may feel enabled to share pronouns as a statement of identity, while others may feel vulnerable.
Internalised Judgement: Parts may take on the burden of societal judgment, leading to fear or hesitation about pronoun disclosure.
Self-Compassion: The Self can observe these internal dynamics with compassion, accepting the complexity without condemnation.
This internal work is important. When we understand that different parts of us might hold conflicting views or feelings about pronouns, we can address the topic with greater patience and self-compassion.
Context and Privilege
The discussion powerfully highlights that pronoun usage is not a catch-all phenomenon. It is deeply influenced by context and an awareness of privilege. What feels safe and appropriate in one setting may not in another, particularly for people navigating different social environments.
Phil shares a moving example of how their pronouns feel different in different contexts. While ‘he/him’ is generally right for their system, they also like ‘they/them’. In queer spaces, they are equally happy with both. However, in predominantly cisgender spaces, ‘he/him’ feels more comfortable for their system. This illustrates a practical, real-life application of contextual pronoun usage.
This leads to a critical conversation about privilege. Phil points out that if someone is gendered correctly automatically by default, they may not need to actively disclose their pronouns. This is a privilege. For transgender and non-binary individuals, this is often not the case. They may frequently have to disclose their pronouns to be gendered correctly, which can be an exhausting and exposing process.
The Privilege of Automatic Gendering
Default Recognition: Being automatically gendered correctly by default is a significant privilege.
Reduced Exposure: This privilege reduces the need for constant self-disclosure and the potential for misgendering.
Contextual Shifts: While visual cues might help in person, auditory communication (e.g., phone calls) can pose challenges, underscoring the need for continuous awareness.
The conversation around privilege is not about apportioning blame but about encouraging awareness. Recognizing that some individuals have to navigate a more complex path with pronouns is essential to building increasingly inclusive communities. It allows us to understand the ‘access fatigue’ that can accompany constant self-advocacy.
Language, Identity, and the Power of Labels
Language is an effective instrument that shapes how we understand ourselves and the world. The way a language organizes gender can deeply influence the experiences of its speakers. This became especially evident when the conversation turned to languages like Italian, which lack a widely accepted gender-neutral pronoun.
Alessio expresses envy for the English language’s development of gender-neutral pronouns, such as ‘they’. In Italian, all nouns have a grammatical gender, and this extends to pronouns as well. This language reality imposes a binary framework, forcing individuals into pre-defined boxes from the outset. The lack of a neutral alternative can feel like a significant constriction.
This poses important questions about language development and identity. If new identities emerge and gain recognition, should language adjust to accommodate them? The absence of a specific label can lead to an erasure of identity. It spotlights the tension between established language frameworks and the developing understanding of gender and identity.
Linguistic Obstacles and Identity
Gendered Languages: Languages with inherent grammatical gender can limit the expression of gender nonconforming identities.
Lack of Neutrality: The absence of neutral pronouns can produce a sense of not existing or of not being seen in the language.
The Political Nature of Labels: Creating new linguistic labels can become a political discussion, illuminating the power relations involved in language creation.
The discussion stresses that language is not static. It evolves with social understanding and the needs of the speakers. The creation or adoption of gender-neutral language is not simply a stylistic choice; it’s a matter of inclusiveness and recognition.
The Impact of Misgendering
While disclosing pronouns is an important step, the conversation also needs to deal with what happens after disclosure. The potential for misgendering, even after pronouns have been shared, is a tender area for many. It can feel invalidating and disheartening when efforts to communicate one’s identity are met with incorrect usage.
Alessio shares a personal experience of feeling uncertain about how people will respond when pronouns are shared. Will they ask questions? Will they feel comfortable enough to engage? And crucially, what happens if, despite the disclosure, the person is still misgendered? This can be especially painful when someone has summoned the courage to share their pronouns, only to have them disregarded.
The episode also touches upon the “legacy” of how we refer to people. Phil delivers a quaint British saying: “Who’s she, the cat’s mother?” This phrase illustrates a time when using pronouns directly was sometimes considered impolite, with a preference for names or titles. Though apparently outdated, it highlights how deeply ingrained language standards can be and how challenging it can be to shift them.
The Aftermath of Pronoun Disclosure
Reception and Interest: Uncertainty about how pronoun disclosures will be received by others.
The Pain of Misgendering: The emotional impact of being misgendered, especially after making an effort to share pronouns.
Internalised Confusion: Early experiences of being questioned about gender can leave lasting confusion and distress.
The experience of being misgendered can trigger significant distress. For individuals who have experienced systemic marginalisation, such experiences can heighten feelings of otherness and invisibility. Creating training spaces, and indeed all spaces, where people feel protected and appreciated, is fundamental for successful learning and connection.
Organisational Responsibility and Creating Open Spaces
Phil’s open letter to IFS UK brings a critical organisational perspective to the conversation. The letter advocates inviting pronouns into IFS trainings as a matter of policy, while also accepting the need for sensitivity and choice. This approach intends to create more secure and inclusive environments, particularly for trans and non-binary individuals.
Phil articulates the rationale: although inviting pronouns can be confronting for some, especially cisgender individuals who may not have had to consider them, it ultimately adds to a more equitable space. The risk of “tokenism” is acknowledged; invitations to share pronouns must be part of a broader commitment to inclusivity and support for marginalised groups.
The concept of “cis fragility” is introduced – the concern that some cisgender participants might react negatively to being asked for their pronouns. Phil argues that prioritising this potential discomfort over the clear requirement for inclusivity for trans and non-binary people is misplaced. The invitation to share pronouns, even if not universally accepted, normalises the practice and signals a commitment to inclusivity.
Towards Inclusive Training Settings
Policy and Invitation: Formalising the invitation to share pronouns as a policy on training.
Balancing Needs: Recognising the necessity to balance the comfort of the cisgender majority with the safety and inclusion of trans and non-binary individuals.
Preventing Harm: Normalising pronoun sharing as a preventative measure against misgendering and its associated harm.
The goal is to move beyond an “othering” dynamic. When only a subset of individuals is consistently required to disclose their pronouns to avoid misgendering, it can feel isolating and humiliating. Normalising the practice for everyone while respecting individual choice helps equalise opportunities and creates a more genuinely inclusive culture. This requires organisations to adopt a forward-looking approach to embed these practices within their core values and operations.
Conclusion: Embracing Compassion and Continuous Discussion
The conversation around pronouns is ongoing, evolving, and intensely personal. It requires us to move beyond simple definitions and interact with individuals' lived experiences. By adopting an IFS perspective, we can better understand the internal landscapes that shape our relationship with pronouns. By accepting context and privilege, we can promote greater awareness and empathy.
The journey of language, identity, and social approval is complex. It entails navigating the power of labels, the impact of misgendering, and the responsibility of creating open spaces. As therapists and as human beings, we are called to address this topic with profound compassion, to listen deeply, and to remain open to the persistent learning and growth that this dialogue inspires. The devotion to queering IFS, and indeed all aspects of life, is a commitment to adopting complexity and encouraging understanding, one discussion at a time.
