Key Points
Therapists should address clients’ sexual desires and experiences openly and without judgment. Avoid pathologizing healthy sexual expression.
Unburdened sexual dynamics involve self-led connection, consent, and mutual pleasure, distinct from burdened experiences driven by insecurity or unmet needs.
Creating safe and structured environments, like Ali’s sex parties, can facilitate healthy sexual exploration and connection. Clear rules and boundaries are crucial.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can help clients identify and process past trauma affecting their sexual lives.
Therapists should avoid imposing their own moral judgments on clients’ sexual desires or experiences. Focus on client needs and experiences.
Open dialogue about sexuality is crucial in therapy, addressing internalised homophobia and queer hatred.
Summary
The Absence of Sexual Health in IFS Therapy
The podcast discusses a significant gap in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy: the lack of open discussion regarding healthy sexual expression. Ali, a therapist specialising in IFS, argues that the field historically avoided discussing sexuality due to its roots in sex-negative cultural and religious norms. This avoidance leads to a focus on problematising sex, addressing only issues like porn addiction and Chemsex, without providing a balanced perspective on healthy sexual experiences.
Defining Unburdened Sexual Dynamics
Ali introduces the concept of “unburdened” sexual dynamics, contrasting them with “burdened” ones. Unburdened dynamics are characterized by Self-led connection, consent, mutual pleasure, and the absence of underlying insecurities or unmet needs. Conversely, burdened dynamics stem from past trauma, negative self-image, and societal pressures. The discussion explores the difference between “wanting” and “needing” in the context of sexual desire, highlighting the importance of distinguishing between biological drives and learned behaviours.
The Role of Self-Energy and Connection in Sexuality
The conversation explores the interplay of Self-energy, parts, and connection in sexual experiences. While parts play a role, Self-led connection is paramount for healthy sexual expression. This involves alignment between the Self and the parts, as well as mutual consent and presence with partners. Ali’s personal experiences illustrate the dramatic shift from burdened sexual encounters characterized by insecurity to Self-led ones filled with passion and mutual affirmation.
Creating Safe Spaces for Sexual Exploration
Ali’s experience hosting structured sex parties highlights the importance of creating safe spaces for sexual exploration. Clear rules and boundaries facilitate relaxation, mutual respect, and unburdened pleasure. This structured approach contrasts with more informal encounters, emphasizing the role of conscious intentionality and the creation of a safe container for vulnerable expression. The party environment mirrors a therapeutic setting by creating a framework where individuals feel safe to explore their sexuality and connect with others.
The Therapist’s Role in Addressing Sexual Trauma and Desires
The podcast concludes with a discussion of the therapist’s role in addressing clients’ sexual experiences and desires. The therapists emphasize the importance of validating clients’ experiences, avoiding judgment, and allowing for exploration of even challenging or taboo desires. The use of IFS techniques, such as working with exiles, is highlighted as a method for addressing past trauma and promoting healing. The therapists advocate for a more inclusive and open approach to sexuality within the IFS framework.
Main points of the podcast
00:00 Introduction to the Podcast
Alessio and Jude introduce themselves and their guest, Ali Bushel, setting the stage for an engaging discussion on therapy and sexuality.
02:20 Meet Ali Bushel
Ali shares his background as a therapist and author, discussing his work in internal family systems and his book, ‘The Sex Party Handbook.’
04:40 Exploring Passion and Connection
The conversation shifts to the themes of passion and connection in sexual relationships, highlighting the importance of understanding these dynamics in therapy.
09:00 The Burden of Sexuality
Ali discusses the historical challenges in therapy regarding sexuality, including the burdens and negative perceptions that often overshadow healthy sexual expression.
12:00 Unpacking Sexual Desires
The hosts reflect on the simplicity of sexual desire and how societal pressures complicate natural urges, leading to shame and internal conflict.
15:30 Burdens vs. Celebration
The discussion delves into the burdens carried by individuals regarding their sexuality and the need for a celebratory approach to understanding sexual desires.
19:00 Connection in Sexual Encounters
The hosts explore the nature of connection during sexual experiences, questioning how intimacy changes when sexual elements are introduced.
23:00 The Role of Passion
Ali shares personal experiences that illustrate the difference between burdened and Self-led sexual encounters, emphasising the role of passion in healthy connections.
27:01 Unlocking Passion
In this chapter, the conversation centres around the concept of passion and its significance in sexual encounters. The speakers explore how being present and connected can enhance the experience, moving beyond societal expectations.
29:12 Creating Safe Spaces
Ali shares insights into his structured sex parties, highlighting the importance of rules and expectations to foster a safe and enjoyable environment. Participants often leave feeling liberated and happy, showcasing the power of a well-organised experience.
32:01 Redefining Norms
The discussion shifts to the societal boxes that often define sexual interactions, with Ali emphasising the need for clarity and choice in sexual experiences. This chapter highlights how breaking free from these norms can lead to genuine connection and passion.
35:01 Therapy and Sexuality
Ali reflects on the parallels between the environment of his sex parties and his therapeutic practice, suggesting that the same openness can enhance therapy sessions. The conversation dives into how allowing clients to explore their sexuality can lead to profound healing.
39:01 Navigating Complex Emotions
The speakers discuss the challenges of addressing complex emotions in therapy, particularly when clients express desires that may be deemed socially unacceptable. Ali shares a powerful example of helping a client navigate their feelings around past trauma.
43:00 Trusting Intuition
This chapter delves into the importance of trusting one’s intuition in therapy, especially when dealing with sensitive topics like sexuality. The speakers emphasise the need for therapists to create a safe space for clients to express their true desires without judgement.
46:30 Closing Reflections
As the conversation wraps up, Ali and the hosts reflect on the richness of the discussion and the potential for future dialogues. They express gratitude for the opportunity to explore such important and often overlooked aspects of sexuality.
